Onyx's Story
by KitsuneandNaruto
Summary: As Mello reflects on his orphanage days, he recalls a girl who had mothered him. Onyx. She was... so different. It left him heartbroken when she commited suicide, and learning what she had done served to make him miss her more. The only one who hated L...


The morning of August 23rd, the blood of every child in Wammy's orphanage ran cold with confirmation of what had been suspected. I remember my reaction especially. I stared across at the wall in my quarters when Matt relayed the information. Onyx, had committed suicide. Obviously her real name wasn't Onyx… I had done some snooping and found out that her real name was Savannah Spearmint. Weird name, right? She hadn't even been here at the orphanage for a long time, but she was… different. She was the only one that lived in Wammy's that hated L. She despised him, and always muttered things like, 'bastard' and 'what does he know about me? Nothing!' . She had an ever present scowl when she first got here. I wasn't very old, but I saw her around. She never did anything, just moped around, thinking about something. Other people only took interest in her because she was admitted by L himself. She had spoken to him before and it was by his hand that it was uncovered her parents had been dead for at least a month and she herself had continued their separate businesses as if nothing had happened. She had finished all proper schooling by the age of eleven. She was fifteen. She would have fit in well, had it not been for the lack of trust she exhibited to everyone. She started to warm up to some kids after a while, but she was awkward about it. More awkward than, than, Near. She was weirder around people than the albino-like boy. And that was saying something. Roger had told us it was because she had never interacted with many people before. She was homeschooled and never left her home, when she had one. Her parents had been killed, that much was known, but no one knew where they were, or who had killed them. The subject was rarely pressed on her.

Onyx trusted no one, and hated one person in particular. L. No one knew why she hated him, no one ever worked up the courage to ask her. I observed her from a distance sometimes, and other times I would sit closer to her and watch her as she stared at breakfast, lunch, or dinner. She rarely ever ate something. She ate the bare minimum and after a while, it showed. Before all of that, she showed up as a fifteen year old girl who already looked older and smarter for her age. She had two layers of hair. The longer under layer was midnight black and the top was blonde with black streaks. She had striking brown eyes that always looked around warily. She had a more curvaceous figure than others, and she only wore big white shirts and pajama bottoms. Being as young as I was even I knew that wasn't the most flattering of clothing for her.

On to her life in the orphanage. Like I mentioned before, after a while started to warm up to people. This took one thing in particular to start. She was walking down the halls and suddenly, she stopped. She just stared straight ahead, like she was seeing a ghost. Then, there was a tug on her shirt and she turned around to find the little snowball himself twirling his hair and looking up at her with an emotionless façade. She looked at him questioningly.

"What is it, Nate?" Silently Near pointed to her foot, without breaking his eye contact. She lifted it up and found that she had been standing on one of his dice, and he was trying to politely ask her if she could return it to him. She giggled, randomly. After she had finished she sat down on her legs and folded her hands, and watched.

"Is something wrong?" Near didn't look to her, but instead continued to stack his dice. She shook her head slowly and I watched closely as a small smile graced her lips.

"Just watching." She sat like that for a while before she noted that one dice was slightly off and if something was set on it, the whole tower would topple over. She gracefully reached out and with her thumb and pointer finger, she adjusted the cube. Near was silent, no one ever touched his dice towers. Looking up she sat with soft eyes for the first time since she arrived.

"Thank you." Near understood what she was doing and she simply nodded before carefully standing up and walking down the hall. I noted that she was walking toward me, so I took off. Later that evening I was sitting for dinner, and she walked right up and sat across from me. She sat there for the longest time, before saying anything.

"Why did you run away? I wouldn't have hurt you, ya know?" I looked up and actually felt embarrassed. Yes, the great Mihael Keehl was embarrassed. Not because I had run, but instead because she seemed offended by my flight. As young as I was, I was smart enough to know that you did _not_ make a girl upset and get off unscathed.

"I-I'm sorry, Onyx." It was all I could think to say. She tipped her head, as if she were thinking and slowly and awkwardly, she smiled.

"Mihael," She addressed everyone by their birth names, and although it bothered some people, it didn't bother me… too much. "How can the two of us expect to make friends in this world, if we are upset by the slightest inconvenience, hm?"

"I-I don't know." I glanced down to my hands as the fidgeted in my lap. Up until this point, I had thought that she would reject anyone who came near her. As I sat there, I felt more guilty knowing that she was sitting in front of me, being kind.

"Where's Mail? Don't you two usually sit together?"

"Matty is sick."

"Oh, with what?" She entwined her fingers and leaned on the table. Some kid walked past and noticed her elbows on the table.

"It isn't polite to put your elbows on the table!" She simply turned to look at the boy who was likely only nine or ten, and with scrutinizing eyes she managed to say something through closed teeth.

"Does it look like I give a shit?" The boys eyes became as wide as saucers, and he scurried off. She turned back to me and smirked. "Don't start swearing Mihael, it's not very becoming."

"Then, why do you do it?"

"Bad habit. So what is Mail sick with?"

"Stomach pains." She stopped to think for a moment and with a small shake of her head she stood up.

"Come on, I'll make him feel better." She stood up and took her food with her. I followed her and wondered why she hadn't eaten anything. We walked through the halls to the room where Matt was confined while he was sick. She opened the door and strolled in. Matt woke up from a light nap and looked from Onyx to me. I smiled sheepishly.

"Mells, why aren't you at dinner?" Matt watched me for some explanation. I couldn't give one, because even I didn't know what would happen.

"Mail, have you eaten dinner yet?" Matt looked up to her, slowly nodding. She walked out of the room, setting her plate on the windowsill. She came back a short time later with a strange liquid and a trash bin.

"What's that for?" I pointed at the trash bin and furrowed my brow.

"We may need it." She set the bin beside Matt, sat on the edge of the bed, and held out the glass with the strange liquid. Matt paled when he saw it. "Drink it fast. All, of it."

"But-"

"No buts, you'll do what I say." Matt sighed and took the glass with both hands. He lifted it to drink some and spit it out when it hit his taste buds.

"ugh! That's nasty!"

"Drink it. Now." This whole time, Onyx hadn't smiled. She wore a serious expression. Matt frowned, but raised the glass to his lips again, He took one sip and Onyx reached out to tip the glass back so he took huge gulps in at one time. Once the glass was empty she took it, stood up, and handed the trash bin to Matt who looked a bit green. "Stand back… this won't be pretty."

"What do you-"At that moment, Matt vomited. Once he seemed finished I tried to step forward, but Onyx stopped me.

"Wait." Another wave hit him and this continued on until I was sure Matt would spew his organs if he continued. Once he seemed completely finished Onyx stepped forward, set the bin on the ground tipped Matt's face up and looked at him. She gingerly put a hand to his forehead and smiled a tiny smile. "How do you feel?"

"That, was horrible." Matt looked at her with a small quiver and he put a hand to his stomach.

"Empty?"

"I think so." Onyx stood up, took her plate from the window sill and set it in front of Matt.

"Don't eat the chicken, it's too heavy. Just the vegetables, the crackers, and if you finish that and want to risk it, you can_ try_ some of the potatoes. I'm going to get you a glass of clean water, you need fluids. If I find out you don't feel any better, this'll happen again. Understand?" She looked at him from the edge of the bed she sat on and he looked up to her, a little worried about having to go through that again. She smiled and leaned forward to kiss him on the forehead. Matt seemed surprised by this, and Onyx didn't see, but Matt blushed a little. She walked out of the room and I stepped forward to talk to Matt.

"Feel any better?" He slowly nodded and looked me in the eyes. He blinked a few times before saying something.

"What's gotten into her?"

"I dunno, but… It's kind of nice." I had seen on TV how mothers treated their children, and since I didn't have a mother, this was kind of nice. Onyx made a nice substitute. She had parents, and a mother, so I guess she would know better how this 'mothering' worked.

"It's a little weird." Matt looked back to the plate of food and carefully picked up some of the steamed carrots, and with a sigh, he started eating slowly. Onyx came back with some water and after Matt was taken care of it was about eight in the evening. Onyx covered him and told him to go to sleep. She turned out the lights and closed the door. Then she walked me back to the quarters I was in, and lead me in. She pulled back to sheets and blankets and told me to change into my pajamas while she made the bed that I hadn't made for at least a week. I followed her instructions, wondering why she was worrying over an unmade bed. When I came back the bed was made, and other clutter was picked up and put away. Onyx sat in a chair and looked up when she saw me.

Onyx tucked me in that night. I asked her why she was being so nice to people suddenly. She responded by muttering something about 'never had a family, figured I should make some effort." I thought about this and asked her a few more questions. She simply tucked me in and kissed me on the forehead.

"Goodnight Mihael. Sweet dreams, little one." She said in a singsong voice as she walked out of the room. I watched as she made a motion to turn out the lights, only to find that they were already out. She walked out, and I closed my eyes.

Time continued on, and Onyx treated me, Matt and even that annoying Near, like family. She cared for us, as if it was her job. If we were hungry she would give us her food, saying 'a good mother always feeds her children before herself'. She would tuck each of us in every night and wish us sweet dreams. This went on for a while, and although I won't admit it, I actually liked it. I felt safe in Onyx's caring gazes. I found out that she had a beautiful harmonious laugh, and she seemed to grace me with it often. Everything seemed perfect, until the day it happened.

January 21, 2004, Onyx would not come out of her room. She didn't eat all day, she just sat in her room and stared out the window. In silence. She didn't even take notice of the people who walked in and out of her room to ask what was wrong. She ignored all of them. Her breakfast, Lunch and Dinner were brought to her, but she never even acknowledged them. I was forbidden to see her, as Roger thought that the sight of her in this state would upset me, seeing as how I was close to her. Yet, even so I went to see her that night. It was after bedtime, and I snuck through the halls to her room and slowly turned the knob. I had never seen her room before, and at one glance I never wanted to again. There was huge scrawled writing over all of the walls from the few markers she managed to get her hands on secretly. The writing read with horrible things, like 'Fuck L', L will burn in Hell', 'Dead, dead, dead', 'Bastard L', and other horrible things even talking about herself that I cannot bring myself to repeat. There were papers strewn everywhere and a diagram on the wall above where her head would rest as she slept. I didn't get a good look at it, but it seemed to show all of the horrible things that happened in the world and how she seemed to believe they related to L's doing.

"Mihael, are you supposed to be up this late?" She didn't look back to me, and her voice sounded strained. She hadn't spoken all day, so I assumed this must be the reason. I didn't respond immediately. I hardly responded at all. Then she turned to me, and with sad, but comforting eyes, she looked at me. "Will you come sit with me?" I walked forward and she held out her arms weakly. I sat in her lap as she clung to me. I clung to her, as if by wishing I could make her better.

"Onyx, why are you hurting yourself like this?" I held fast to the tears that threatened to spill from my eyes. I hadn't cried for a long time, and no matter what, I was not about to start now. She sighed as she gently stroked my hair and thought over a response.

"Mihael, sometimes we lose people close to us, and we don't know how to go on. For a while, there's an immense sadness so powerful that we don't believe what's happened has actually happened. It seems so surreal, because we hadn't imagined this pain was possible. Sometimes we don't know what to do, and we have to keep reminding ourselves that all the other person would want for us is to continue making the best out of life. You've heard the saying, when life gives you lemons, make lemonade?" She paused, waiting for my response.

"Yeah. So?"

"I want you understand that that's all fine and dandy, but you and I both know that if you try to make lemonade out of just lemons, all you're going to get is lemon juice. You have to find the sugar and water somewhere, and that's the real difficult task in this thing we call life." She continued to hold onto me, as tears fell down her cheeks and after about thirty minutes she stood up and led me back to my quarters. She tucked me in, kissed me on the forehead, and looked at me for what seemed like forever, before sighing and speaking in an attempted normal voice. "Now, I don't want to see you out of bed again after bedtime, Okay?" I nodded. I knew that she was having a hard time with whatever happened.

After that, things got worse. She spoke less and less the next few weeks, and when I'd visit her, her glances seemed all over the place. One second she'd be focused on me, the next she was looking out the window, or at the door. But she was always listening when someone was talking to her. Sometimes I would bring Matt with me to talk to her. He seemed as shocked as I was at the way her room looked the first time, but after a few times, that didn't matter. I think Onyx was slowly losing her sanity, she would pace from her room to the nearest bathroom counting backwards and forward from 13 to -13 and then recite the first thirteen numerals of pi. She would do this with her eyes locked open and her thumb half in her mouth. I realized she was biting her thumb after I saw her one time. She had her thumb in her mouth and was muttering the numerals for pi. There was a crimson red streak down her arm and some drips on her shirt and pants. I ran up and tugged on her arm begging her to stop biting her thumb. She leaned against the wall and sunk down to balance on her toes as I screamed out for someone to get Roger and I stared at her in horror as she stared ahead, unblinking and recited Near, Matt and my own real names and aliases and how each were spelled. It was as if the world just stopped and all I could hear was the beating of my own heart and names and letters quickly being recited over and over. I was torn away from this mindset when Roger gripped me by the arm and pulled me away so he could deal with her. I was led away by someone else and my lip quivered as I thought of what would happen to Onyx.

Later I heard her in the infirmary being bandaged up. As it turns out, she bit her thumb so hard the nail broke and she started bleeding. When I heard her, she was muttering seemingly un-intelligible things about random subjects. I peered into the room as she sat on a stool staring straight ahead, as if nothing were in front of her. Suddenly however, her head turned and she looked at me. Her eyes softened and she raised a hand to gesture for me to come toward her. I didn't hesitate and threw myself at her, just glad that she was okay.

"Mihael, did I… scare you?" She seemed utterly oblivious to the events that had just transpired. I nodded and held to her tightly. This was the first sign of somewhat normal behavior for her, and I wanted her to stay like this. She managed to remain 'stable'- as I heard Roger and an infirmary lady say later- for the rest of the evening. It didn't last. The next morning she was back to muttering numerals and even added in the first thirteen prime numbers. She had removed the bandages and was biting her thumb again. There were a few feeble attempts made to get her to stop biting her thumb, but they always seemed to result in her screaming.

This went on for months, and even I began to avoid her occasionally. She would not eat anything, jam made her cry, people who went to bring her food refused to do it again, and there were stains left on the wall opposite her room from where she had flung the food brought to her. I became cold to those around me, somehow blaming everyone who didn't know her for the way she acted. It seemed like it was only Matt, Near and myself that weren't greeted with screams, anger, swearing, and freakish behavior. None of us had the heart to look at her now. There was apparently an instance where Roger had convinced her-somehow- to go outside for some fresh air. While she was outside on of the younger children from the orphanage had started tugging on her hair, saying 'pretty', 'long', and 'fun' while giggling. No one moved, it was a mixture of fear and curiosity at what she would do. Writing this makes me upset, because she was not a wild animal, and yet everyone treated her as one. Onyx- by this point in a deep state of mental breakdown- simply turned to face the child, knelt down and while staring into its eyes, she reached around gathered all of the hair as close to her scalp as she could, and pulled a knife out of her pocket. This alone caused some panic and shouting, but Onyx and this child didn't move, didn't stir, and just continued to stare at each other. Before anything could be done about it, Onyx chopped off the beautiful midnight black and blond hair, pulled a rubber band off her wrist, secured all the hair together and held it out to the child. The child began to cry and when Onyx tried to calm it, she was dragged away from it by the infirmary woman. I watched all of this from a window, and that afternoon, I didn't visit her. I couldn't bring myself to see the hollow shell of the girl who I let play mother to me.

It was August 21st, when I worked up the courage to venture to her room. I opened the door, which was never locked, and stepped in. Onyx quickly hid something, but noticing it was me she relaxed. She never pulled whatever it was she hid out, and as we spoke, I knew, it was confirmed that Onyx was barely hanging on. She barely spoke to me at all, and I wasn't even sure she was listening. I stood to leave and as I reached for the door knob, I was hugged from behind. Onyx was sniffling and her tears hit my clothing as I tried to be strong, if not for myself, for her.

"Miheal," She turned me around and cupped my face in her hands, tears still streaming down her face. She smiled a small smile and sighed to herself. "You'll grow up to be a handsome young man, I know this. Don't let anyone tell you where the end of the line is. Surpass everyone's expectations, and keep those close to your heart locked away in your memories. Don't forget the important things in life, and if ever things look bleak," She paused and kissed my forehead, for what I would realize later to be the very last time, and pulled me into another hug. "Remember that I love you, more than anything. If I've done one thing right, let it be loving you, Mail, and Nate. Remember that a family is those that care about you."

"I'll remember." I hugged her too and wondered to myself why she was saying all of this to me. If only I had thought harder, she might still be here. Had I looked closer, and thought about everything that had happened, maybe she wouldn't have died.

The next day, August 22nd, she stayed in her room. The door was locked this day, and there was no answer when people knocked on the door. I was busy thinking about her words the night before, and this didn't seem out of the ordinary. I, was stupid.

The morning of August 23rd, I was in my quarters when Matt burst in the door, tears streaming down his face.

"Mells! Onyx killed herself!" I look up at him, and stared. I recalled what Onyx had said to me, that everything seemed so surreal you didn't believe it was really happening. As I sat there, I watched as my best friend slumped to the floor and cried out about how she was gone, and that he missed her already. One think stuck, he cried about how he had neglected her the past few months. So had I. I ran to her room, but it was taped off and the police were already talking to Roger about why she might have done this. Once I was noticed I was lead off, told the room was off limits, and even though I was breaking apart inside, on the outside, I didn't know what to do. I was frozen in fear and sadness, and how I had treated Onyx in the weeks leading up to this, served to make me feel even more guilty.

Later that evening, after bed time, I crept down to her room and took down the tape. I knew that they had taken her away, but she still felt like she was there. I looked around the room and my eyes widened. The walls were free of any marker, there were no papers on the ground, her diagram was gone, the bed was made, the window washed, her clothes were put away, and it looked like every finger print was gone. Looking back, if I had thought to look in the light socket, it probably would have been wiped down too. I looked around and the only thing that hinted a suicide had taken place was the pool of red that stained the corner of the bed sheets. I looked at the sheets, and remembered she had hidden something the last day I came to see her. I looked closely and without thinking I lifted up the pillow. There was nothing there. I slumped to the floor, lip quivering and ready to give up. Then I saw it. Pulling out the little notebook from under the mattress, I looked it over. Opening it, the very first page read as such:

_ Mihael, _

_I knew you would find this notebook. You're a smart boy, I knew you would try to find something you knew should be there. These, are my dying words. Over the last few months I've been writing this down, because I feel you and everyone else deserve to know what I've done. I know, I mothered you and looking back, I'm ready to answer your questions. I didn't feel I had a family because my 'parents' never paid attention to me. They were killed because of their own greed, and I saw how a mother and family should be, and seeing You, Nate, and Mail made me realize that I had only done the things in life I had, because I wanted to make the world a better place. I've made mistakes, and I'm not going to deny it. I want you to know that I'm not perfect. I wanted to make a difference in someone's life, so thank you for letting me be your surrogate mother. Even if it was brief, I feel I found,… what love really feels like. I hope you feel the same. I didn't do,… this, to leave you, I wasn't well. I've been having mental issues and relapses for a long time, and after I realized how much they scared you and all the people around me, I realized I couldn't put them through that. When you have people you care about, you'll do anything for them, and I know that under the circumstances this doesn't seem like the proper solution, but you have to believe this is for the best. Mihael, I want you to understand that I love all of you more than anything. I know you'll all turn into wonderful men and make proper decisions that reflect your morals. Don't let anyone convince you that you are only meant for one thing. The opportunities are as wide as your imagination, don't you dare doubt that. I always used your real name, because if I called you Mello, it would feel like I was calling you… Batman, or peter pan. It wouldn't be specially yours. This page will end with these final words. To you, Mail, and Nate… Thank you, for being my angels. Thank you, so very much, for being my saving grace. Aspire to your dreams, and never let anyone push you around. You all are capable, of so much more than you know. Thank you, for being my first true family._

_~Onyx (a.k.a. SS)_

I sat there, and for the first time that I could remember in a long time, I cried. My tears fell onto the pages, mixing with the dried ones Onyx had left. I never imagined… Looking back now, if I knew then, what I know now I never would have left her alone. On the pages following, was everything. How her parents died, what she did with the businesses, and even how she collaborated with Beyond Birthday in the Los Angeles BB murder cases. And after I had finished reading all about Onyx, and everything that had happened, I realized she had been an orphan her whole life. If it wasn't as bad, it was worse than most of the kid's stories here. She never made friends, never learned how to socialize, she was forced to go through these mental relapses all by herself, and the only reason her parents kept her around, was so they wouldn't look bad for abandoning her. It went into detail, on how she began to think there was no good in the world anymore, until she met her first friend. Maybe he wasn't the best person to be friends with, but B accepted Onyx and showed her that justice would prevail. Because Onyx had no prior experience with judgment, she believed that L was heartless and cold. She had asked to come to Wammy's. Most would assume she didn't have a choice, but she wanted to make a difference, because she realized too late, that she needed to make her own decisions. B had opened her eyes, but L had given her the tools she needed to make sure her goal was accomplished. To make sure that even an orphan, could know what a family felt like, even if it was only brief. That was Onyx's one great experiment. To see if love was capable of being spread, to someone who had never known it, and I can proudly tell you… It can. It was. Thanks to her.

Even at eighteen, as I sit here, writing all of this down, recalling what I had locked away. I remembered. I hung on every word inside that notebook. I held Onyx in high regard, and even if she didn't write it down, I knew that she didn't hate L. I'm sure if L could read this, he would agree. Onyx made some bad decisions, but I feel she more than made up for it. I never let anyone see the picture that was taped to the back cover of the book. I took it and the first page out, when I turned the book in to Roger, to give to L and Mr. Wammy. I keep both of them with me. The picture was of a little eleven year old Onyx, looking extremely different. She had long deep brown hair and she was smiling a reassuring smile. She must have had a beautiful thought, because her eyes were smiling too. Even years ago, I knew she must have been depressed often, with her parents. I often fall asleep at night, wishing she was still around,… to kiss me goodnight, and tell me she loves me. Even though, I know she still does.

_Miheal Keehl (Mello)_

"_**You and I both know that if you try to make lemonade out of just lemons, all you're going to get is lemon juice. You have to find the sugar and water somewhere, and that's the real difficult task in this thing we call life."**_


End file.
